Hotel Impossible Episode 10: The Newport Inn (and formerly Whirpool Suites)

Courtesy of Travel Channel
Courtesy of Travel Channel

Last night, Anthony Melchiorri and the Hotel Impossible team (Ed. note: How much do you love Blanche?!) headed to the elegant sailing town of Newport, Rhode Island to help a hotel — one with a confused identity, at that — reclaim themselves as a legitimate, desirable spot to post up while exploring the scenic waterfront neighborhood. And although the city sees three million tourists annually, not many of them were staying at the Newport Inn. At least before Anthony came in! Thanks to his hard work, unique ideas, as well as Blanche's creative sensibility, the HI crew turned a dilapidated motel into a desirable, quaint inn. See what we loved most about the episode after the jump!

1. The clear identity crisis the hotel faced.

One sign read "Newport Inn and Whirpool Suites." Another read "Newport Inn & Spa." Which is it? When Anthony asked the owner, John, his answer was "the Newport Inn." (Note: That is neither of the former choices.) Consistent branding is key to making a lasting impression on any customer, and the confusing signage certainly could not make any sort of positive impression on anyone.

2. The fact that there was a room called the Romance and Bubbles Luxury Suite.

I mean, is this the Poconos? (Not that I'm hating, my boyfriend and I recently visited a love nest in the mountains.) No self-described "charming inn" should be pushing sex-pot packages reminiscent of what Anthony brilliant described as "1970s Catskills." And not that this room was a sexy haven, either. The whirpool — the cornerstone of the inn's former identity — was literally smushed into a corner and was set up facing the microwave and refridgerator. As Blanche said while assessing the room for redesign, "I can heat up a Pop-Tart while Jacuzzing with my man!" Needless to say, it was gross. And weird. But not as weird as...

3. ...the random, super-tricked-out massage chair in the Suite.

I don't even want to know where kooky owner John got the idea to put one of these in a suite was, because it's that awful. A massage chair is in no way romantic for a couple. Isn't one person supposed to be rubbing the other? Like, isn't that the sexy part of any romantic getaway? If it's not, then, well, it should be.

4. Anthony's assessment of the "spa."

Another example of mistaken identity was clear when Anthony entered the so-called "spa" at the Newport Inn. Not only was the space most certainly not a spa, but it was also wide open, meaning a customer waiting could see your facial extractions or hear your last moan following a deep tissue massage. While John, the owner, prided himself on his ridiculously overpriced (and unnecessary) gym and its equipment, he should have been focusing on the fact that his spa hotel, well, didn't have a spa. Thanks for the heads up, A-bomb!

5. The man who came to assess the value and age of unused outdoor Jacuzzis.

God, I love that guy. If there was anyone who was able to knock the most sense into John's wasteful spending tactics, it was this dude. When Anthony called said dude in to evaluate the hot tubs' worth, John was practically in disbelief. Why? Because dude said: "They're not worth literally the ground that they sit on." Ouch. But it opened John's eyes, and helped the HI team help him create a newer, stronger version of the Newport Inn.

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