Celuisma Paraiso Tropical Rating: 1.5 Pearls

Cabarete and Sosua, Dominican Republic

Staff dance performances

The drive into Celuisma, tucked away in an enclave of boarded-up resorts just east of Cabarete, can feel like entering the abyss -- like Martin Sheen in the opening scene of "Apocalypse Now." Unlike the gated, village-like resorts along much of the north coast in Puerto Plata, Celuisma Paraiso Tropical is just a small cluster of buildings wedged between some sugar cane fields and a dilapidated neighborhood. Celuisma's grammatically challenged Web site claims: "Lush trees, wide and beautiful beaches with coconut palms what creates the unique environment of this area.” Apparently one man's "lush" is another man's thicket of overgrown plants.

Smaller and quieter than most all-inclusives, the Celuisma lacks the bustling pool scene or late-night dancing at the disco. There’s barely any evening entertainment -- just some basic dance performances by the staff -- and most guests are comparatively listless. During my stay, guests slowly sauntered around the pool area and lingered over dinner. They played mellow rounds of billiards and paced themselves on a mixture of Sprite and beer. As with most Dominican resorts, the crowd was a mix of Europeans (Germans, mostly) and North Americans (Canadians, mostly).

Service here, like everywhere in the Dominican Republic, was especially warm and helpful. Cheesy pick-up lines aside, check-in was quick and easy, with plenty of people working at the counter. Unlike at other mega-resorts in the D.R., service in the buffet restaurants was attentive. Drinks kept coming throughout my meals.

One morning, after missing breakfast, I approached the staff as they prepared the dining area for lunch and asked if I could grab a roll and some coffee. They quickly sat me down at a table and sent back one of the waiters. Minutes later, he reappeared from the kitchen with a full plate of breakfast, and then ran to grab me juice and coffee. Though they were cleaning the dining room in preparation for lunch, they never seemed burdened or made me feel rushed. I was thoroughly impressed.

The only glitch was at checkout, when the normal reception staff was nowhere to be found. Instead, a member of the housekeeping staff who barely spoke English took my key, talked to someone on the phone, and told me that it was "OK" and that I could leave.

View on a Larger Map

There's not much to do in the immediate vicinity of the hotel, located just few yards down a turnoff from a local highway, where motoconchos, cars, and trucks buzz by.

Fortunately, Cabarete is nearby -- it typically costs $10 to get there by taxi (or less in a motoconcho).

Soft sand and blue water beach

A short beach lies behind Celuisma's small complex of pools and buildings. It's small and not altogether impressive, but much less crowded than the beaches in Playa Dorada or nearby Cabarete.

Not all guests seemed bothered, but I was slightly distressed by the pair of aggressive stray dogs who kept me company as I strolled along the beach. Beside them, a woman tried to sell me hair braids while she talked loudly on her cell phone.

Scotch-taped electronics in The Standard Room

The rooms’ high ceilings and lack of furniture make them feel spacious, but not in a good way. Push the beds aside, and they could serve as the former Dominican dictator Trujillo's bygone interrogation rooms. The rooms lack several basic amenities, including phones. In my room, the ancient TVs functioned with a cable box repaired with Scotch tape, the closet doors were missing handles, and the rickety ceiling fan gave its bolts a run for their money. But, hey! Who would notice any of that with such stunning towel art on the bed?

The bathroom is equally bleak. A sign over the toilet indicates that guests can’t flush their toilet paper. (This is standard in the D.R., but virtually all resorts have their own septic systems to handle tissue waste.) The toiletry set consists of two soap bars awkwardly placed around the sink. In my room, I found myself fishing around in the back of the toilet for the broken plunger chain in order to flush the toilet. The showerhead uncontrollably sprayed in every conceivable direction. The only features were hot water and a drain on the floor, next to the toilet.

The balcony, unfortunately, was hardly a reprieve. Two plastic chairs were squeezed onto the small balcony, which overlooked untamed vegetation.

Small outdoor pool

When I arrived, I asked the front desk for a map of the resort. They replied, "It's small, you don't need one." This is a bare-bones resort. It feels almost like a youth hostel. A smattering of activity posters crowds the notice board in the lobby, but teen-like cliques of travelers mostly cluster around the pool table, bars, and evening entertainment. Still, some guests I spoke to noted that they chose this resort primarily for the cheap all-inclusive rates. They planned to spend most of their days outside the resort, either on hotel-planned excursions or exploring the North Coast on their own.

The very small pool was uninspiring, to say the least. I rarely saw a swimmer there, but a few people laid out to tan. The evening entertainment, on a stage near the pool, and the pool tables, also nearby, drew more guests to the area than the pool itself.

Evening entertainment was the main activity at the resort. A couple of entertainment staff began "rallying" guests at the end of dinner to move toward the stage, where a mellow dance performance ensued.

Nightlife here will disappoint any hard-core partiers. The resort quiets down after dinner, and significantly so by about 11 p.m. As D0minicanRepublic from Ottawa estimates on TripAdvisor, "if you are looking for a disco or all-night parties, this may not be the resort for you."

Though the premises are quiet enough for kids to get some sleep, that's about all there is for them to do here. There is no kids' club or kid-focused activities, and although they can hang out at the pool or beach, the resort is filled with adults drinking and playing pool: not an inspiring family vacation spot.

Cribs and rollaway beds are available with prior notice.

Rusted bathroom fixtures in The Standard Room

There's no question that the Celuisma's facilities are old. The walls, doors, and floors all seemed past their prime, wavy with years of extreme Dominican humidity. The only renovations involved Scotch-tape repairs to the cable box and a change of locks on the doors.

For the most part, however, Celuisma tried to keep the resort clean. Between mealtimes, staff was busy resetting tables and wiping down surfaces. My room was surprisingly clean and free of insects.

Snacks in the hallway of each building were a nice thought, but as I approached the plates of uncovered, sugary cookies, I wondered if pests weren't far behind. The rabbit hopping around the lobby without explanation was charming, but again, I got to thinking -- where had that rabbit been, and what was it carrying in that cute fuzz that might be cause for concern?

Hotel's terrible Buffet

Bread and butter were the bread and butter of the Celuisma's buffet. The safest buffet options were pastries and bread out of the Celuisma's small, bland spread. Fish was also prepared, but it was far less popular. Two weeks of this food might be enough to drive someone crazy, which is presumably where the Thai and Mexican restaurants come in to provide some relief.

Mealtimes were strictly observed, but there was a consistent mess of teatime “snacks” at the bottom of the stairwell in each building. The cookies were meant to be covered by plastic wrap and decorative cloth napkins to keep out the bugs, but by about midmorning the tables looked like they'd been attacked by hungover guests.

Like at many low-budget, all-inclusive resorts, drinks are weak and are made from cheap, generic brands of liquor. You'll get in plenty of face time with the bartenders as you frequently ask for refills. The giant tip box is two feet away and in plain sight on the bar counter. Plan on sipping syrupy cocktails and watery beer out of the same small plastic cups found in public school lunch lines. For real, name-brand booze, consider the Iberostar, Grand Oasis Marien, and Lifestyle resorts (or virtually anywhere in Punta Cana).