Celuisma Tropical Playa Dorada Rating: 2.5 Pearls

Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic

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Dance act at the Theater

Drinking seems to be the go-to activity here – there’s nothing else to do. Here's the thing, though: No amount of alcohol can make the Celuisma seem like a nice hotel. And no amount of alcohol will make the food taste good (more palatable, maybe). But that won't stop the heavily European crowd from trying. On the beach, in the florescent bar, in the Jacuzzi, or by the pool (which is surrounded by buildings), guests steadily neared bliss through inebriation.

This is one of the cheapest resorts in the Dominican Republic. It’s also one of the worst. Don't expect more than a beach, a bar, and some form of shelter.

Front desk attendants assisting guests

Like most places in the D.R., the Celuisma has a super-friendly staff. And like at most places in the D.R., they’re not always helpful.

Check-in was a mess. It took about 20 minutes to check in and get the room. When I got to the room, there was only one bed -- it was supposed to be a room with two full-size beds. I called down to the desk. They said someone would come up, but no one ever did. A few hours later, I went back down to the lobby and was given another, much smaller room with two beds. Guest services called my room four times to make sure I enjoyed my new room. They also asked if I wanted to book a reservation for one of the a la carte restaurants.

View on a Larger Map

The Celuisma is located inside the gated Playa Dorada complex. Playa Dorada (“golden beach”) is located about 15 minutes west of the Puerto Plata airport. Preset cab fares to various hotels within the complex range from $30 to $35.

Playa Dorada is a gated complex of 15 hotels, a golf course, a convention center, two casinos, and a shopping mall located just east of downtown Puerto Plata. The neatly manicured mini-city has horse-drawn carriages that promenade up and down the main street at all hours. It’s extremely safe and walkable, even at night -- it sort of feels like a gated golf community in the United States. The hotels in the complex range from Casa Colonial at the peak luxury end to a plethora of budget all-inclusives and timeshares geared toward families and young partiers, like Viva Wyndham, Grand Paradise, and, at the bottom of the list, the Celuisma Tropical. In the center of the complex is Playa Dorada Plaza, a two-story open-air shopping center that caters heavily to tourists with souvenir stalls, sundry and tobacco shops, a playground, and a few liquor stores. There are also a few ATMs and banks, as well as restaurants and bars including Hemingway’s, Senor Rock’s, Coco Bongo, and even a Pizza Hut.

Crowded and trash-filled beach

The beach is large, and there's a sandy walk out into the water. The Celuisma shares the Playa Dorada complex with 14 other resorts, so the beach can get a bit crowded. On the north coast, the waves are harsher and the water far less clear than on the south coast of the Dominican Republic, near Punta Cana. But Playa Dorada's shallow water is relatively calm. (It's protected by a reef.) It’s very popular with snorkelers.

When I was there, a nasty amount of trash had washed up on the beach. Crews worked to pick up the flotsam but left a lot behind. There was just too much trash to deal with. Needless to say, beach trash is a big bummer.

By mid-afternoon most of the lounge chairs had been snagged. But the beach is big, and there was plenty of room to escape the masses.

Superior Room with a lofted bedroom

Standard rooms are tiny. When I checked in, one bed was missing a comforter. There was no soap or shampoo in the bathroom. All beds come with only the most basic bedding and pillows.

For a significant upgrade, the resort offers a two-floor king room, the Superior Room. The bed and a bathroom are on the second floor, and the ground floor has an extensive living area with a newish flat-screen TV, an empty micro-fridge, and vinyl-coated furniture. There is also a balcony that looks out on a vacant lot full of debris. The spiral staircase is clearly a hazard (especially after a few drinks). The plywood steps flexed, and the whole thing leaned toward the wall. Be careful at night.

The very popular Jacuzzi

The pool at the Celuisma is no grotto. It's surrounded by buildings, and while a few palm trees are planted in the courtyard, the pool lacks the tropical feel of most Caribbean resorts. Adjacent to the pool is a game room and bar, both ablaze in fluorescent light.

The Jacuzzi is very popular. There was almost always five to 10 people hanging in and around it, drinking beers, and having a good time.

The hotel has a small gym and spa, but treatments and services are not included in the all-inclusive package.

Rooms were old and generally pretty dingy, and the property wasn’t any better. The worst example of filth was in the restrooms next to the beach. Three out of the four toilets were overflowing, but guests continued to use the plugged toilets even as urine splashed on the floor.

After intense rains, the groundskeepers were hard at work cleaning up the resort. They scrubbed walkways and raked the beach of garbage. But their efforts proved fruitless -- there was still a lot of garbage left behind.

The buffet

Guests are advised to take full advantage of the free booze – it will help to cope with the buffet. The food is not good. I had hoped the pasta bar would redeem the rest of the options, but I was wrong.

I ate at the Caribbean Cafe, which, while not great, was far better than the buffet. There's a salad bar with decent options and a few Caribbean items, like beef tips in red sauce. When I arrived, the bartender, Ramon, came to the table to tell me he was making a special drink for us -- the Ramon Especial.’’ It was a green concoction that looked like antifreeze but tasted like candy.

All the servers I met were friendly, but that did not begin to make up for the food.