ClubHotel Riu Mambo Rating: 2.5 Pearls

Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic

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Men threw coconuts into the pool

"My friend, you throw like my sisterrrr." With that, an emcee told the crowd gathered around the pool that Glen from Great Britain was not winning the "Macho Man" contest. Men from Germany and England took turns kneeling with their backs to the pool and heaving a coconut as far as they could into the water. With Sean Paul's “Temperature” clipping on for each throw, most participants hoisted the coconut a good ways. At the next pool over, a German couple attached floaties to the arms of their naked 3-year-old son before he ventured into the water.

The hotel is part of the Riu complex, sitting adjacent to the Rius Merengue and Bachata. Guests at one hotel have all-inclusive access to all thee resorts. (Technically, Mambo guests must get special permission to eat dinner at either of the other hotels, but many Mambo guests dined at the both without a problem.)

Most guests are British, German, French, Canadian, and Dominican. The American presence is scant, as it is at any Dominican hotel. There’s a good sprinkling of families with young children, couples, and retirees.

The bungalows and the rest of the grounds are connected by long, weaving strips of vegetation and trees. The open-air lobby is constructed of exposed dark wood lacquered beneath a bed of flat thatch, and its couches and low glass coffee tables sat opposite the front desk.

When the Macho Man contest wasn't raging at the pool, Shaggy's “It Wasn't Me” serenaded the many kids and families taking amusement in the entertainment staff's antics.

The resort's entertainment staff

Some staff wear white button-up shirts and black slacks, others sport floral Hawaiian button-ups with wide collars above the same black pants. But everyone is friendly, and they all do their best to be as helpful as possible.

The staff struggles with English, especially when operating the front desk. When asked "Habla inglés?" one woman who was working the front desk responded, "a little bit," and tried her best to communicate.

However, service requests are met with great zeal: fresh towels (four minutes) and bottled water (three minutes).

The entertainment staff spent most of the day dancing by the pool. The custom-written, "I Want to Go to Riu,” with its throbbing, horn-driven refrain, was their favorite number. Between dance songs, they chatted and horsed around with the guests.

View on a Larger Map

The Riu is located in the small town of Cofresi, a 35-minute $45 taxi ride west from the airport.

It's a sleepy town with little beyond a smattering of hotels, the expansive (though less pristine) Cofresi Beach, and the Ocean World adventure park, one of the north coast's most popular tourist destinations.

The area is a mostly barren stretch of low-rise time-shares and small public greens that host the occasional stickball contest. While a casino and the Canadian-owned Chris & Mady's restaurant draw sizable crowds, a relative lack of activity drives nightlife-seeking tourists 15 minutes east to Puerto Plata and the Playa Dorada complex.

The beach

With nothing but a small strip of dark, wet sand, there are actually very few chairs laid out on the beach. The waves at the beach, which is actually more of a cove, in Cofresi are fairly large, and the water is murky. I constantly felt foreign objects around my legs, freaking me right out of the water. Furthermore, all beaches are public in the D.R. At times, it gets quite crowded with locals and vendors.

Beside the beach, there’s the Sonora Mexican Cafe, Lovewrecked Bar, and a midday snack bar with fried foods and cold cuts. There's also a mini-mart selling things like sunscreen and hats. An extensive watersports hut offers scuba lessons (at additional cost), kayaks, boogie boards, floats, banana boats, and windsurfing boards.

The Standard Room

The Riu's property is composed of 26 two-story bungalows. There are no elevators -- instead, burnished orange stairs lead the way to higher floors. The ground floor is wheelchair-accessible, but the upper level is not.

An Expedia poster comments, "The air-conditioning never cooled down the room, and it had a disgusting, musty smell." The AC cooled me down, but it made my room smell like a carton of rotten Marlboros. All rooms in the Rius are smoking rooms, and most smell like it. My room, No. 301, also had the added septic kick, which made the stench nearly unbearable. As the other Oyster reporters found at the Riu Merengue next door, the smell emanated from the AC vents. I spoke to other guests, who all confirmed that their rooms smelled similarly awful. The only people who didn't complain were a chain-smoking couple from England. They explained that they noticed their room's odor, but didn't mind it on account of their having "lived in a smoke-filled house for years."

Like most Rius throughout the Caribbean, this features "king size" beds that are actually two full-size mattresses pushed together. The extra blankets in the closet are only large enough to cover one and a half of the beds. The mattresses are not particularly comfortable, and the sheets smell just as foul as the room. Three of my four pillows smelled so foul that I could not use them.

The room where I stayed, like half the rooms in the resort, is on the ground floor. Opening the balcony shade provides clear views of the pool and nearby walking concourses. But the dozens of people walking by can clearly see into the room.

The electronics are bare bones: a black 18" Daewoo TV and a decrepit Jwin clock with a blinking display from a power outage.

The bathrooms, however, are relatively clean and pretty decent. The clean pink tiles are complemented by the speckled vanity top and glistening silver faucet. The shower’s water pressure is excellent.

Each room comes with a balcony, or a similar-size ground-floor terrace. They’re pretty standard, and each has a white plastic table and two matching chairs. The ground-floor balconies look out onto stone walkways and small flower gardens that sit beside the bungalows. Perfect for reading, people-watching, and escaping the room's ashen stench, I gave the balcony a lot of attention.

Volleyball

Wi-Fi Mambo, the hotel's wireless network, had such a low signal that I couldn't connect. The charge for this useless Internet was $15 for a full day. While that translates to 450 pesos, the hotel charged 600 pesos if guests paid in Dominican.

The gym is horrible -- worn, ratty carpet, decrepit stationary bikes, and rusty free weights. It remained empty throughout my stay. Many guests entered with iPods in hand, but just rolled their eyes and left once they saw the machines. Worse still, hotel policy states that reservations are required to use the gym.

Three tennis courts sit by the main entrance to the Riu complex. The Riu Mambo shares the courts with the Merengue. The courts, however, are a 10-minute walk from most rooms.

The Renova spa, gym, and casino are located on Caribbean St., a stretch of pastel-colored shops and stands between the Riu Merengue and Bacchata. The Renova spa’s reception area features modern wicker furniture and the scent of cinnamon candles. The small complex has many facilities, including several itty-bitty massage rooms and a sauna.

The El Millon Casino is a single dimly lit room with a few faded felt tables. It contains noisy slot machines, one poker table, $5-minimum blackjack, and three-card poker. A modest bar in the corner goes unstaffed most of the day.

The staff keeps the outdoor areas tidy

White pieces of lint are clearly visible on the navy blue bedspreads. Otherwise, the rooms are reasonably clean (ignoring the cigarette smell), with no obvious cracks, breaks, stains, or scuffs. The bathrooms are very clean: The floors are freshly washed and the white tub was spotless.

The hotel grounds are well-manicured and tended to by a team of hotel staff. Leaves are swept off the walkways, trees are relieved of unwieldy branches, and gardens were weeded. Bungalow walls are kept stainless (the rain didn't hurt).

The restaurants, especially the buffet, are tidy. Cleaning crews show efficiently for mop spills, bus tables, and take away dirty dishes.

Mangu buffet

The Mangu buffet serves a variety of pizzas, salads and ice creams. The burgers/dogs stand is equally popular. Four deep lines at the bar made it the room's most crowded corner when I visited. Bartenders serve up Presidente at a breakneck pace.

Los Almendros is the only other dining option. Open from 6:30p.m. to 10p.m., it is not nearly as crowded as the buffet. Macumba, a snack bar, serves food and drinks from 10:30p.m. to 2a.m.

Guests can also eat at the Merengue and Bacchata hotels, just a short block away. Though hotel policy explains that special reservations need to be made to eat at these places, any guest could easily walk on over.

While far from a party scene, the hotel does offer its share of beer and liquor. As early as 10a.m., guests swig piña coladas and Presidentes. One Canadian guest jovially remarked to me, "When you're on vacation, drinking in the morning is socially acceptable." Fair point.