Tensing Pen Rating: 3.5 Pearls
When your ex broke the news, did you feel the urge to jump? Well, gone are the days of "lover's leaps" (he/she is sooo not worth it) and here are the days of low-bridge-jumping -- an exhilarating rush that's a little like falling in love with someone new. Set in the cliffs of Negril's West End, Tensing Pen faces the ocean but doesn't have a traditional sandy beach. Instead, high, rocky cliffs descend to the pure blue water below. Guests can climb down the cliffs and swim from a handful of ladders that have been built into the cliffs, but the general consensus is that you can't finish your stay without jumping from the long, skinny bridge about 20 feet or so above the water. Doesn't that sound refreshing? And it doesn't hurt to be on a sunny island while you're getting over your ex who's stuck at home, filled with regret.
Casa Velas Hotel Boutique Rating: 4.5 Pearls
The 80-room adults-only Casa Velas Hotel is perfectly situated amid quiet luxury in the small neighborhood of Marina Vallarta, which has a Palm Springs-meets-Beverly Hills vibe. With a gated entry, a friendly, (mostly) bilingual staff, and gorgeous rooms that more than meet the challenge posed by the surrounding posh ambiance, Casa Velas is a great pick for those heading to Splitsville. The best part? The hotel sometimes offers a Divorcee Package which includes accommodations in the Presidential Suite for you and your closest (single) friends, a spa treatment, a night out on the town, a farewell cocktail party (complete with a mini-coffin for your wedding ring), and a consultation with a jewelry designer to create the perfect post-marriage setting for that gorgeous engagement-ring rock. Hey, maybe you did get something out of that marriage after all!
Hard Rock Hotel & Casino Rating: 4.0 Pearls
If your way of getting over someone is moving onto the next, you're going to want to head to Vegas. And no hotel does Vegas parties better than the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino. Aside from the notorious pool parties in the summer, the hotel is home to Vanity (just one of your ex's many flaws), one of the hottest nightclubs in Sin City. The 14,000-square-foot nightclub features world-renowned DJs spinning until 4 a.m. for an uber-attractive crowd; bouncers keep an infamously tight velvet rope, so they practically do all of the work for you! And as they say, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Unless, of course, you want to bring your dance-floor-makeout-partner-turned-significant-other home just to show your ex how forgettable they really are.
Fontainebleau Resort Miami Beach Rating: 4.5 Pearls
After a breakup, it's time for some R&R. One of our favorite spas is the Lapis Spa at the Fontainebleau Resort in Miami. The spa sits between the pool and the beach and looks like a shiny sapphire dropped from the sky. At 40,000 square feet, that's a pretty big rock. A $35 spa pass gets you into the locker rooms, Jacuzzis, cold pool, steam room, and sauna, along with regular access to the gym. The pool, saunas, and steam rooms aren't crammed into a corner, like they are at so many other spas, but are instead gracefully laid out in the large, trendy subterranean lair. Special treatments like massages are extra, of course, but with 30 treatment rooms, there's no waiting in line.
Mandarin Oriental, Boston Rating: 5.0 Pearls
Ah, retail therapy. It works every time, doesn't it? Flexing your plastic is a fun way to get rid of the breakup blues and the Mandarin Oriental in Boston is a great place to stay to do just that. The hotel is attached via a covered walkway to the massive Prudential Center Mall, home to the likes of Saks Fifth Avenue, Swarovski, and Sephora. And if your ex hasn't had the chance to sort out your joint bank account quite yet...well, that's not your problem.
The Standard High Line Rating: 4.0 Pearls
Sometimes you just need a strong cocktail and The Standard serves up some tasty drinks for those looking to drown their sorrows. The hotel has bars to fit any taste: the casual Biergarten -- open until 1 a.m. Monday through Saturday and 'til midnight on Sunday; the slightly hipper Living Room, where live DJs spin, and the Top of the Standard (formerly known as the Boom Boom Room), the celebrity hot spot lounge with a members-only vibe. After you've had a drink or two, you may be just brave enough to approach the Ryan Gosling look-alike (or is that really Ryan Gosling?) at the bar. And hey, there's no ball-and-chain to stop you!
The St. Regis San Francisco Rating: 5.0 Pearls
Okay, so we get that breakups are hard. And while some of you may be up for shopping, partying, and drinking post-split, others may want to sit in a room and cry. That's where the St. Regis comes in. The St. Regis provides guests with 24-hour butler service that is a touchscreen tap away -- a staff member will do everything from collecting shoes for a free overnight shine to delivering toiletries, newspapers, or dry cleaning to making reservations. They'll even draw a bath for you, although fancy extras for your soak cost an additional fee.
The Ritz-Carlton, Half Moon Bay Rating: 5.0 Pearls
You've just been dumped. Do you want to a) hit the gym or b) eat a vat of chocolate? Yea, we figured you'd go with b. For all the b-ers out there, you'll want to check out the aptly (and temptingly)-named ENO -- Wine, Cheese, and Chocolate restaurant at The Ritz-Carlton in Half Moon Bay. For all the a-ers...seriously? If the idea of going to a restaurant as a party of one (gasp) nauseates you, you can rely on the hotel's 24-hour room service to aid you in the post-breakup "eat your feelings" phase. Don't worry, the next phase will likely be "spend eight hours at the gym to rid yourself of the guilt of the eat-your-feelings phase" -- you'll at least break even.