Breezes Grand Resort & Spa Negril Rating: 3.5 Pearls

Negril, Jamaica

The Reggae Beach Party

Unlike most resorts in Jamaica, the Breezes Grand is more indulgent -- better food, better liquor (and lots of it). It is more serene -- bi-level buildings, gardens, friendly cats wandering the property, and cognac served at the Amici piano bar. And it is more R-rated -- body painting, hash pipes in the gift shop, slot machines, and late-night naked parties in the hot tub. To put it plainly, when I asked one guest about his least favorite part of the hotel, he explained, "We came to Negril to get laid and get stoned. Who cares about anything else?"

The Breezes Grand is not PG-rated. Across the road (and in audible range) lies Hedonism II, a hypersexual couples resort with activities that include a "party with the Penthouse girls" or "69 degrees of Kama Sutra." Hedonism shares the Breezes' clothing-optional beach in exchange for an invigorating level of nudity on the shores. The same spirit carries into the resort itself -- one of the resort's organized games involves blindfolding guests and asking them to drink from a beer bottle between their partner's legs -- and the overall environment acts in many ways to liberate an otherwise traditional crowd of 30-somethings and vivacious retirees (mostly from the United States).

A chef at the buffet

The check-in process begins several weeks prior to arrival. The hotel sends you a welcome packet, some Breezes luggage tags, and a pre-registration card that needs to be filled prior to the trip. On arrival, a porter greets you at the entrance and offers you a chilled towel. Unlike at most other all-inclusive resorts, guests don't need to queue up at the front desk to check in -- you can just sit down, sip on a free mimosa with a wet washcloth stuck to your forehead, and wait for the receptionist to approach you with the room keys.

• Like most Jamaican all-inclusives, but unlike at the Iberostar resorts, the Breezes does not offer any poolside or beachside drinks service (they're all about 10 feet from a bar).
• The servers and bartenders are fantastic. In most instances, I was given more water or another beer without having to ask for it. My food was always ready within 10 to 15 minutes, but I was never pressured to hurry up so that the next wave of guests could eat.

View on a Larger Map

Aside from the beach, there is little else near the Breezes Grand. A gas station is down the road -- a dark, 15-minute walk away -- where you can buy phone cards or cigarettes after the hotel gift shop closes at 8 p.m. Otherwise, a taxi to one of the clubs or downtown Negril will cost $10 to $20 each way (depending on your bargaining skills).

The beach

Stretching the length of the resort, the beach covers a lot of ground. Beyond the beach (outside the resort), there is a Rasta-dominated jungle with sharp coral cliffs. The beach is used almost exclusively by guests of the resort, though there might be a few pot dealers on jet skis (something that is extremely common in Negril).

On the fringes of the beach (next to the garden view suites), the hotel designates its "clothing optional" sections. Before entertaining fantasies of the Playboy Mansion, consider that the nude beach here is more like a coed locker room at the YMCA.

The Jacuzzi in the Luxury One Bedroom Suite

All of the guest rooms are large, and the standard, Junior Suite includes one of the greatest eight-head showers on the island. But the splattered paint, tasseled curtains, plaid bedspreads and fractured, mismatched tiles are a far cry from the sleek luxury that one might expect at one of Negril's most expensive resorts.

Despite small efforts to modernize -- such as the small flatscreen implants (all satellite equipped with full premium cable channels) -- much of the room still needs replacing. My phone stopped working after the first night (the long unused bathroom phone saved the day), the toilet hardly flushed, and the hard-wired Internet didn't work (no surprise). Though the eight-head shower is incredible, one of the heads just drooled a bit in my room.

All suites have a balcony, but the small square ledge is only about six feet from a neighboring ledge. In order to open the doors completely, you need to first move the chairs into the room, then open the doors, then move the chairs out again. And, since there are no windows on the opposite side of the room to create a healthy air flow, it can be difficult to dilute some of the cigarette smoke and air-freshener smell.

The casino

• Two pools: an 8-foot-deep circular pool outside the buffet, overlooking the beach, and a smaller, nudist-packed pool, which is the place to be after midnight.
• Five hot tubs, not including those in the private beachside terraces. Four tubs are next to a bar (only two of which were open during my visit), but the most popular tub is next to the nude pool -- I definitely heard some late-night-on-Cinemax-style sounds. The fifth tub, outside the fitness center and spa, operates as a warm-up/cool-down area.
• Offering free pedicures and manicures, the spa schedule fills up quickly. (I couldn't book an appointment within my three-day stay during the low season).
• The 24-hour fitness center is equipped with some of the best brands, like Cybrex, but many of the machines are wearing out -- broken heart-rate meters; taped-up flex bars; rusted free weights. On the whole, the fitness room is large, well-equipped, and, if you can forgive the harsh funk (poor air circulation), the center is solid. The resort also offers daily Pilates and core-workout instruction.
• Hobie Cat sailers and other water-sport equipment is always accessible (and free), and there appears to be an abundance of it straddling the shore.

The basic facts are these: The resort allows guests 16 and older, so technically parents can bring their older kids along (though no rooms have more than one bed, so junior's either sleeping on the couch or getting his own room). The resort offers an eye-popping array of activities, and mothers and daughters can even bond over mani-pedis at the spa. But again, this is not a place for kids. Between the nude beaches, the adult games, and emphasis on drinking, there is very little here that most parents would want to expose to their teenagers.

The bathrooms are pristine

The property was generally maintained to the standard typical of all-inclusive Jamaica -- clean sheets, mopped floors, dead bugs in the pool, slight overflow of plastic, piña colada cups across the premises, and neglected room-service trays lingering overnight. However, I was at once overwhelmed and appalled by the Breezes Grand.

Overwhelmed: The bathroom was about the cleanest thing I've ever seen, easily on par with the Ritz-Carlton -- no mold, well-polished marble and eight glimmering shower heads.

Appalled: My comforter contained a very suspicious white stain -- I ignored it, moved the blanket carefully to the sofa, and never touched it (or the sofa) again. Below the comforter, on the soft foam blanket, I found additional firm white crusts that reminded me a little too much of the kinds of stains one might find on a sock hidden under a college kid's bed. When I called to complain, someone came up in about 30 minutes and replaced it with a brand-new blanket. But I don't want to necessarily condemn the hotel for this. It seems like the pad was washed, and this kind of mishap could happen at any older hotel. There's a reason most hotels stopped using the foam blankets; they are like semen sponges.

Food at the Reggae Beach Party

Branding itself as the hotel for foodies, the Breezes Grand justifiably generates harsher critics than other all-inclusives. Though a retired couple I spoke with from about an hour east of Edmonton found all the food "just lovely," a couple from Denver with an interest in organic farming found the entrees overcooked, the fruit unripe, and the buffet options limited, if not boring. I found the food average, and about on par with most of the other, less expensive all-inclusives in Jamaica; a few signature favorites and a whole lot of underachieving items prepared in bulk. (For the best food in Jamaica, you either need to pay top dollar, or just find a jerk chicken shack or beachside lobster grill -- just look for dreadlocks surrounding a cast-iron drum and a cooler of Red Stripe.)

• Breakfast and lunch at the Grand Terazza buffet is reasonably tasty. At the omelet station, chefs actually use real eggs and their own frying pans, as opposed to the premix egg batter and short-order grills that share the grease and charred grizzle of everyone else's eggs. The pastries, sheltered beside the fruit in anti-fly gauze, tend to get cold by 8 a.m. and, likewise, the sausage and bacon are often cold very early in the morning.
• Dinner varies. As for the four a la carte restaurants -- La Pasta (casual Italian), Piacere (French cuisine) and Munasan (a Benihana-style Japanese grill), and a "steakhouse" -- it's probably safe to say that whether or not the restaurants require slacks, the food is all the same. Like at most all-inclusives, the steak is incredibly tough, I didn't spot any conch in my conch-and-pumpkin soup, and the seasoning, across the board, is intentionally bland.
• The desserts, however, are very popular and well-executed, such as the chocolate mousse or the resort-made ice cream.

After spending the better part of a week searching Jamaica for some decent whiskey, I finally found some aged Chivas Regal, Johnny Walker Black, Jim Beam and Crown Royal at the Breezes Grand. In addition, the hotel offers premium mixers like Frangelico, Cointreau and Grand Marnier as well as Stoli, Tanqueray, and aged Appleton Rum -- basically all the brands one would expect to find in the United States but that are in rare supply in the Caribbean. Better yet, all of the top-shelf liquor comes free. Be sure to specify what kind of liquor you want when ordering at the bar. Otherwise, you'll get the same cheap stuff found everywhere else.

Gazebo overlooking the water, a popular ceremony location

• Wedding Size: Up to 420 people; weddings can be held Monday through Saturday from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.

• Extra Fees: There is a mandatory administration fee; outside vendors must stay overnight at the resort (otherwise, there is a fee).

• Wedding Packages: The "free" wedding package (if you stay three nights or more) includes a marriage officer, cake, unlimited champagne, bouquet and boutonniere, recorded music for the ceremony and a formal dinner for bride and groom.

• Ceremony Location: May be held on the beach, on the lawn, or under a gazebo; may add decorations a la carte or bring in your own

• Photographers and Videographers: Photo packages vary for 12 5-by-7 prints, to 48 5-by-7 prints, and for albums (add fee for negatives); videography is priced for the first hour of coverage, with a fee for every additional hour.

• Music Options: Options range from a single musician per the hour, with the highest raete for a jazz band for three hours.

• Food and Drinks: Cocktail party options (including hot and cold hors d'oeuvres) from $30 to $45 with one and a half hours of open bar; buffet options from $50 to $75 and plated dinner options (75 person minimum) for $95 with three hour open bar; kids', kosher, vegetarian, and gluten free menus available upon request.

• Cakes: The standard wedding cake serves 10 people, and has an additional rate for each additional tier. You can bring in a cake from an outside vendor.

• Spa Treatments: The spa offers bridal styling (including hair and makeup); services for the entire wedding party vary, but include hair, makeup, and the free mani/pedi granted to all guests.

• Honeymoon Suite: The oceanfront suites include an outdoor Jacuzzi -- a great pick for a honeymooning couple.

• Airport Transportation: As is the case for all resort guests, Breezes offers free transportation to and from Montego Bay International Airport (otherwise, this can be a very costly two-hour taxi one way).