Breezes Rio Bueno — Hotel Review Rating: 3.5 Pearls

Oyster Review Summary

Oyster Hotel Photos

Oyster undercover reviewers photographed this hotel. See the hotel exactly the way we did when we stayed there. (View All Photos)

Oyster Hotel Review

Reviewer: William B.
Updated: June 10, 2010

 Scene

No kids under 16 are allowed at this resort, and with good reason. Like at its Negril sister, half of the Grand Lido Braco is an "au naturel" (aka nudist) resort while the other side is referred to by the staff, without judgment, as the "prude" side. It rhymes! While the nudists don't parade around the prude side, the hotel is definitely racier than any other resort in Jamaica, save its partnered swingers hotel, the Hedonism III resort next door.

 Service

The check-in process begins several weeks prior to arrival. The hotel sends you a welcome packet, some Breezes luggage tags, and a pre-registration card that needs to be filled prior to the trip. On arrival, a porter greets you at the entrance and offers you a chilled towel. Unlike at most other all-inclusive resorts, guests don't need to queue up at the front desk to check in -- you can just sit down, sip on a free mimosa with a wet washcloth stuck to your forehead, and wait for the receptionist to approach you with the room keys.

• Like most Jamaican all-inclusives, the Breezes does not offer any poolside or beachside drinks service.
• 24-hour room service; While I had good luck with room service, many guests complain that their breakfast orders are incorrect, missing drinks, or, in some instances, not delivered at all.
• The servers and bartenders are fantastic. In most instances, I was given more water or another beer without having to ask for it. My food was always ready within 10 to 15 minutes, but I was never pressured to hurry up so that the next wave of guests could eat.

 Location

The Breezes Grand Rio Bueno is located in Trelawny, a small town with no major attractions (aside from the beach). It is about mid-way between Montego Bay and Ocho Rios (both are a long drive away in either direction). It is about 45 minutes east of Montego Bay International Airport (transportation is provided by the hotel for free).

 Rooms

Rooms are large, but bigger is not better in this case. The overall look -- dull gray ceramic tiles, blah-colored fabrics, a 27-inch tube television with poor reception -- doesn't lend well to the resorts' attempt to brand (and often price) itself as luxury property. The glass-enclosed shower stall with its eight-jet shower is superb, and it does give the room a little more of a luxurious feel, but the bathroom's plastic shower seat, moldy grout, and cluttered feel all detract from the experience.

 Features

• The free-form pool has a swim-up bar, a volleyball net, a basketball hoop, and often a live DJ to keep things lively (but not relaxing).
• The air-conditioned game room with slot machines, two pool tables, and Ping-Pong is a great feature on rainy days.
• On-site hair and nail salon -- one free manicure with each stay.
• The nine-hole executive golf course is well-maintained, but it's hardly the place for serious golfers.
• Wi-Fi available in the lobby (not in the guest rooms)

 Family

With a nude beach, a constant emphasis on "love-making," and easy access to the swingers over at Hedonism, there is very little about Grand Lido that wouldn't alternately mortify either teenagers or their parents. Yes, some rooms have two double beds (unlike the Grand Lido Negril), and yes, the resort offers everything from snorkeling to golf to free manicures, but this just isn't the place for a family vacation. Pretty much anywhere in Jamaica would be better.

 Cleanliness

Dampness is unavoidable on an island with lush vegetation. Towels stained with (I hope) rust, however, are avoidable. I was completely taken aback by the condition of the restroom in the "town center" -- broken paper towel dispensers, toilet paper on the floor, cracked faucets.

 Food

Branding itself as the hotel for foodies, the Breezes Grand justifiably generates harsher critics than other all-inclusives. To some, the food can be "just lovely" but to others, it is a big disappointment. I found the food average, and about on par with most of the other, less expensive all-inclusives in Jamaica; a few signature favorites (the jerk chicken at the Reggae Cafe, for example) and a whole lot of underachieving items prepared in bulk. It's probably safe to say that whether or not the restaurants require slacks, the food is all the same.

• Munasan, the hotel's hibachi restaurant, is only open when enough guests make reservations for it -- generally during high season.
• Piacere is the hotel's upscale restaurant. Despite its Italian name, it serves French nouvelle cuisine. Make reservations early -- it tends to fill up. Also, there is a strict dress code: jackets and dress shoes for men, while women dress accordingly.
• The small personalized pizzas at La Pasta won't satisfy a large appetite, but order as many as you like -- it's an all-inclusive!
• As for the main dining area, the Victoria Buffet, I only have two words for you: suckling pig.

 Drinks

Unlike most resorts in Jamaica, the Breezes Grand offers premium mixers like Frangelico, Cointreau, and Grand Marnier as well as Stoli, Tanqueray, and aged Appleton Rum -- basically all the brands one would expect to find in the United States but that are in rare supply in the Caribbean. Better yet, all of the top-shelf liquor comes free. Be sure to specify what kind of liquor you want when ordering at the bar. Otherwise, you'll get the same cheap stuff found everywhere else.

 Destination Weddings

• Wedding Size: Up to 60 people indoors, no limit outdoors; weddings can be held Monday to Saturday from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.

• Extra Fees: $200 administration fee; outside vendors must stay overnight at the resort (otherwise, there is a $1,000 fee)

• Wedding Packages: The "free" wedding package (if you stay three nights or more) includes a marriage officer, cake, unlimited champagne, bouquet and boutonniere, recorded music for the ceremony and a formal dinner for the bride and groom.

• Ceremony Location: May be held on the beach, on the lawn, or under a gazebo; may add decorations a la carte or bring in your own

• Photographers and Videographers: Photo packages range from $220 (for 12 5-by-7 prints) to $700 (for 48 5-by-7 prints) and $325 to $800 for albums (add $100 dollars for negatives); videography is $400 for the first hour of coverage and $100 for each additional hour.

• Music Options: Options range from a single musician for around $300 per hour up to a jazz band for $5,500 (for three hours).

• Food and Drinks: Cocktail party options (including hot and cold hors d'oeuvres) from $30 to $45 with one and a half hours of open bar; buffet options from $50 to $75 and plated dinner options (75 person minimum) for $95 with three hour open bar; kids', kosher, vegetarian, and gluten-free menus available upon request.

• Cakes: The standard wedding cake serves 10 people, and each additional tier costs $50. You can bring in a cake from an outside vendor.

• Spa Treatments: The spa offers bridal styling (including hair and makeup) from $65; services for the entire wedding party ranges from $40 to $240 (including hair, makeup, and the free mani/pedi granted to all guests).

• Honeymoon Suite: No honeymoon suite, but newlyweds usually stay in Junior Suites with private balconies

• Airport Transportation: Breezes offers free transportation to and from Montego Bay International Airport for all guests of the resort.

 Bottom Line

An adults-only resort allowing guests 16 and up, the Breezes Grand Rio Bueno is half "au naturel" (nude), half traditional (or, according to the staff, "prude"). The features are good -- private beach, spa, name-brand liquor, five restaurants, even a nine-hole golf course -- but the overpriced rooms are old and dingy, even more so than those at the Breezes Grand Negril.