Breezes Trelawny Resort and Spa Rating: 2.0 Pearls

Montego Bay, Jamaica

Guests at the family pool

By day, the waterslides, climbing walls, and miniature golf make this Breezes Resort -- the former Starfish Trelawny Resort -- a kid's paradise.

By night, however, the lobby bar and Bubble's Nightclub can get a little crazy. You might hear guests stumbling across the Astroturf hallways, breaking glasses, and howling at the moon well past midnight.

View on a Larger Map

The Breezes Trelawny Resort and Spa is located in Trelawny, a largely agricultural, hilly, beachfront area about 40 minutes east of the Montego Bay International Airport (the main point of entry into Jamaica for most tourists). In the immediate vicinity, there are fewer tourist attractions than at more central resorts in Montego Bay and Ocho Rios, about a 30- to 60-minute drive in either direction. On the bright side, the area is very lush and quiet.

The beach

The hotel's website boasts a three-mile stretch of white-sand beach. I found it to be narrow, cramped, and occassionally swarmed by pot-dealers (a common enough sight in Jamaica, but typically not at such a family-focused resort). Hotel security, however, does its best to keep the dealers away.

To make up for the small beach, Breezes also has a small, hotel-made barrier island, about 30 feet from the shore. It is outfitted with beach chairs and guests can reach the island by walking across a sandbar.

The Garden View Room

Made of whitewashed cinderblocks, the room don't look much cheerier than a jail cell, despite the colorful old bedspread. And unlike other all-inclusives, there is no alcohol (or even water) provided in the room -- it makes it a lot harder to ignore the abrasive fluorescent lighting and the bugs crawling on the walls.

In my room, the bright green and yellow chairs and matching bedspread were covered in stains, the sheets had cigarette burns, and the air smelled like the inside of a gym locker.

The bathroom, while it could use a serious scrubbing and a new shower curtain, was in better condition than the rest of the room. It had granite-like countertops and an in-shower shampoo and shower gel dispenser mounted to the wall.

In-pool billiards

Unlike anywhere else, the hotel has in-pool pool tables. Yes, billiards inside the pool! Hedge-encircled hot tubs offer some quiet downtime away from the mini-golf, tennis, basketball, tennis, and waterslide mania.

For the kids, the resort has a kids clubs open daily, and a family pool with waterslide, fountain, and aqueduct that shoots water. For adult water sports, there are scuba diving (with instructional classes), kayaks, free snorkeling gear, and jet skis available.

The hotel also offers classes and competitions like trampoline lessons, flying trapeze and juggling class, and rock climbing.

Insects in the Garden View Room

I forgot all about the clear pools and well-pruned if slightly worn grounds once I reached my room. There, I found stained furniture and torn sheets that gave the room a strong highway motel feel. The lobby's chairs were also stained, but that's not surprising since the open bar leads to toppled cups of Jamaican rum and Coke throughout the night.

The hotel offers several on-site restaurants like Breezes Buffet, open for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and late-night snacking; the "gourmet" Jamaican-Italian fusion joint Casablanca, open for dinner; Japanese restaurant Munasan, open for dinner; and Seashell Bar and Grill for casual American fare, open lunch through dinner. Reservations are required at Casablanca and Munasan.

For drinks, the resort has Bubbles Disco Bar (with designated teen times), the Ocean swim-up bar, poolside Seashell Bar, and Siren Piano Bar.

The Casablanca, one of two popular reception locations

• Wedding Size: No minimum or maximum number of people required; multiple weddings hosted daily (on the hour from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m.)

• Extra Fees: $200 mandatory government and administrative fee and a $150 fee for a renewal of vows; $60 pass for non-hotel guests to visit the property during the day (the fee is $70 at night).

• Wedding Packages: The basic package is if you book at least a three-night stay and it includes a marriage officer, a wedding cake and one bottle of champagne, the bride's bouquet and groom's boutonniere, a candlelit dinner for the bride and groom, breakfast in bed the morning after, and a decorated wedding area (just the gazebo).

• Ceremony Locations: The fountain, garden, gazebo, or the beach

• Reception Options: Most receptions (up to 20 people) are held at either the Casablanca or the Munasan restaurants, alongside the standard resort guests. Private receptions are also available in either the Great Hall ($200 for a minimum of 40 people) or on the beach (free for any number of people). Food costs between $45 and $90 per person; an open bar costs $15 per person for the first hour and $5 per person for each additional hour; champagne costs $25 per bottle (or $3 per bottle if you bring your own).

• Photographer and Videographer: Photo packages range from $220 (for 12 5-by-7 prints) to $700 (for 48 5-by-7 prints); a videographer costs $312 for the first hour and $100 for each additional hour (no outside vendors permitted).

• Music Options: A DJ costs $350 for the first four hours ($100 for each additional hour); a steel drum band or jazz band costs $350 per hour; a reggae band costs $450 per hour; and a soloist costs about $150 to $170 per hour. Outside bands are permitted, but there's a $300 extra fee.

• Cocktail Parties: If you want hot and cold hors d'oeuvres after the ceremony, it costs $20 per person for the hour, as well as another $20 per person for an open bar.

• Cake: A three-tier cake (chocolate or vanilla) costs $270; a Jamaican fruit cake costs $350 and up.

• Spa treatments: The Blue Mahoe Spa offers hair styling (upwards of $50), makeup ($50 if you bring your own makeup and $100 to use the makeup artist's), and manis/pedis ($18 to $22).

• Honeymoon Suite: In addition to the standard rooms, the resort also has 37 private cottages that are more popular with honeymooning couples.

• Airport Transportation: Free hotel shuttle to and from Montego Bay Airport for all hotel guests