Club Ambiance - All Inclusive Rating: 2.0 Pearls

Runaway Bay, Jamaica

The Pool Bar

When Mommy and Daddy are knocking back rum like this, it's no wonder they leave the kids at home. Club Ambiance is a low-budget resort with an equal split of American and British couples who are (ahem) extremely interested in each other (though singles and swingers are also welcome). This is as "adult" as it gets; strictly 18-and-over.

Resort staff

No one was rude, and they all went through the motions of helping me, but I could tell that they'd rather be elsewhere.

Service at the Terrace Grill took more than a half-hour, though the waiters at Cafe Calypso were far more responsive.

My bellman, incidentally, turned the TV on to the Playboy Channel the minute he let me into my room. I don't know what to make of this.

View on a Larger Map

Barely five minutes from Breezes Runnaway Bay, Club Ambiance is in a line of hotels of varying stature along Main Street. But apart from these hotels, there's really nothing else. And as is the case of most resorts in Jamaica, you can't just wander in unless you're a paying guest.

A 30-minute taxi ride to Ocho Rios costs $40.

The Standard Room

My Standard Room looked like it was out of the "Boogie Nights" set, with flowers suggestively strewn on polyester bedcovers and a TV turned on to the Playboy Channel (which my bellman did without provocation).

Still, the room was large, and though the mattress was hard, it wasn't terrible. I even had a small balcony that looked out over the resort, and the room was very well lit.

I had pretty basic amenities for a place billing itself as a "resort." There is no Wi-Fi or wired Internet in the rooms. The mini-fridge was completely empty, and the tiny, 20-inch Zenith TV had an outdated standard screen.

A shower, a sink and a toilet were stuffed into my tiny bathroom. Still, with decent water pressure, it got the job done. Do bring your own toiletries, though, as the hotel only provides a wispy cake of brittle blue soap.

The gym

Despite the presence of a pool bar, there wasn't actually any pool. There was, however, a cement courtyard where the staff performed mid-afternoon dance demonstrations. The M.C. launched into a raunchy and racist trivia game called "What's 69 in Chinese?" that involved stereotypical impersonations and a sense of humor I'd rather not get into on this site.

The beach, what little there is, is very narrow. It broadens out at points where you can play volleyball or lounge in the sun. But otherwise, it's negligible. The hotel has also built a retaining wall to keep out some seriously choppy waves. Jutting out past this wall, the Pier Bar is probably the worst place to play Truth or Dare. Just take my advice and stick to the truth, OK?

Inside is a game room dubbed the Ocean Club Bar, with billiards, table tennis, board games, a bar, a drum set and a TV. It had enough to satisfy just about everyone.

If you want any more action, there's the truly sketchy Fantasia Club. The hotel's disco is tiny and dark, with a stripper pole and a distinct smell of congealed sweat. But hey, to each their own.

If you'd like a workout without going into toxic shock, Ambiance has a tiny but cleaner gym with a couple of cardio and weight training machines.

And then again, there's always the hot tub. But you're probably going to have to win three rounds of beer pong to have a go at it.

There's no Internet in the guestrooms, so the small computer booth is your only link to the outside world. Surfing the Net comes at an extra charge, but the connection's decent.

Between the stripper pole and the Playboy channel in all rooms, Club Ambiance is the opposite of kid-friendly. Even modest grown-ups will probably feel pretty scandalized.

Yes, the nightclub is a grody mess, but the rest of the hotel is pretty clean. I don't know whether the oily feel of our bedcovers was because of low-grade polyester or dirt, but I'm sticking with the former for now. I was a little annoyed that a cleaning station was parked outside my room all day and night, though.

Cafe Calypso

Being suspicious of the Café Calypso buffet, I went for freshly cooked barbeque at the Terrace Grill. But don't expect quick service. I waited over half an hour just to get a menu!