Coyaba Beach Resort Rating: 3.0 Pearls

Montego Bay, Jamaica

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Guests dine at the Vineyard

The crowd at Coyaba fluctuates -- young couples, retirees, families, and wedding crews after a party. The smaller setting generally attracts a quieter bunch who wants to be as far as possible from the beer-chugging and nonstop Marley found at the larger all-inclusives such as the Sunset, Iberostar or Riu resorts.

Although the decorating -- crown molding, ivy paint and polo sticks -- attempts to evoke aristocratic elegance, the property is actually boxy and bland, more like a Hampton Inn than the Ritz-Carlton. Though there are some classy touches to the hotel, like higher-grade drinks (Johnny Walker Black, Grey Goose vodka, and even some Sambuca) and an afternoon tea that serves free fresh fruit, passable hors d'oeuvres, and pastries.

Resort staff

At times, the staff is very helpful -- from the housekeepers to the restaurant staff. Bellmen show each guest to his or her room and runs through all the features (like the bottle opener and coffeemaker) -- that's a bit more attention than most of the all-inclusive resorts offer.

View on a Larger Map

Coyaba is 10 minutes from the airport -- a fact I was reminded of each time I heard a plane take off overhead. It's just off of Montego Bay's major trafficked artery, flanked by golf courses and other resorts. For shopping or to visit the Hip Strip to party, taxis are lined up and ready any hour of the day.

The beach

The slight beach is too small to stroll, but it's a bit less crowded that at most other resorts, including the nearby Ritz-Carlton, and you can usually find an available lounger beneath a weathered palm umbrella. Though not entirely inviting -- algae washed in with the tide and sharp shells jut out from the sand -- the beach quality is on par with most other resorts in Montego Bay.

The Ocean Deluxe Room

Furnished with Ritz-Carlton-esque dark varnish -- wooden chairs, headboards, carved pineapple lamps -- the rooms are prototypically comfortable, especially given the two feather pillows. All rooms include a 24-inch Phillips tube TV (satellite ready with premium cable, a VHS player, and a video rental library at the front desk), a Cuisinart coffeemaker with Baronhall Estate Jamaican coffee (worth smuggling home), a GE CD alarm clock, an intensely powerful Toshiba air-conditioning unit, and bath products from Gilchrist & Soames. They are entirely functional (which is saying a lot in Montego Bay) and the soft cotton bathrobes certainly one-up most of the mega resorts.

The only real glitch is in the bathroom. The shower blasts water across out of the shallow tub and on to the marble floor. To keep the water from leaking out of the tub, I had to hold the curtain against the back wall with my toes.

The resort includes motorized watersports

Scrubbed each morning, the pool is small but sufficient. The adjacent hot tub is kept warm during the day, steaming at night, and is large enough for a small party.

The spa consists of a few small rooms next to a major road. Beside it, crammed into a small space, the fitness center has a reasonable amount of older, less impressive equipment. But the 12-inch TV only faces the multi-gym and isn't visible from the cardio machines. Scattered along the walls are deeply erotic body photos (mostly butts) -- the kind of excessive skin pictured in an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. With no TV in sight, I was forced to look at the better-buns pictures while sweating on the elliptical.

Rooms come with a VHS tape player. At the front desk there is a menu of about 150 movies, such as Top Gun, Like Water for Chocolate, and Kingpin (movies that pre-date the DVD era). There are also workout videos and Disney classics. But when I wanted to pick out a movie at 11 p.m., the keys (kept with the manager) were out of the resort, and I was out of luck.

The tennis court is well-maintained. The hotel advertises daily classes, but they weren't available during my stay. (The hotel canceled courses for the week without prior notice.)

I never saw anyone taking advantage of the water sports, but a lone staff member waited at the pier, anxious to take someone out on the glass bottomed boat.

Other equipment -- a pool table, foosball table and ping-pong table are outside and ready for use, though the equipment is pretty worn.

Various features -- like a small, sandy playground with slides and swings, a smaller slide for toddlers and a toy shack with trucks and scooters -- cater to kids, but there isn't a supervised kids' club.

Bathrooms were meticulously cleaned

The property is worn past the attractive stage. It has splintered paint and slight dirt settled into the corners. However, the rooms are kept impressively clean. My tub, especially, was scrubbed to near perfection. The furniture was polished and scratch-free; appliances were entirely clean and functional.

A dish by Docks Bar and Grill

The food, at each of the restaurants, is tolerably average. Other guests I spoke with had similar sentiments -- "Eh, good enough, I guess."

There are several dining options: the Vineyard for breakfast, the Bar and Grill for lunch, the Polo Grounds for bar food and room service, and the Vineyard for dinner. The menu changes every day, but I didn't see any remarkable entrées (they basically just reshape the same handful of ingredients).

At the Bar and Grill, my jerk chicken club sandwich tasted more of mayo than spices, and the jerk pork wrap was about the same. From room service, the quesadillas and fajita chicken sandwiches are more in line with an airport bar than Southwestern cuisine. My Jamaican omelet ($17), allegedly prepared with native peppers and local seasonings, was slightly overcooked (browning) and not terribly different from what one might find in a Brooklyn diner. (The jerk sausage, however, was well worth ordering again.)

Also, it's worth noting that in order to make the $120-per-person all-inclusive package worthwhile, you would need to have an omelet for breakfast, a steak for lunch, lobster for dinner, and about five top-shelf drinks each evening. All the guests I spoke to didn't find this indulgence necessary, nor did I.

The Wedding Lawn, with trellis

• Wedding Size: Up to 100 people (many only prebook 30 rooms); only one wedding per weekend

• Extra Fees: $25 fee for each non-hotel guest (not bad, compared to the $150 plus fees elsewhere); $150 for each outside vendor; wedding coordination fees from $100 (two to 10 people) up to $1,000 (60 plus people); if 25 percent or more of your wedding guests stay at a different hotel, there's a location fee of $500 to $1,500

• Wedding Packages: The basic wedding package is $875 and includes a marriage officer, all certificates and licenses, a bouquet and boutonniere, 36 photos (on a CD), a two-tiered wedding cake, a live calypso serenade (or recorded music of your choice), a bottle of champagne and a private candlelit dinner.

• Ceremony Location: All ceremonies are held on the Wedding Lawn; receptions can be held on the Gazebo Deck , Vineyard Restaurant, or the East Lawn.

• Photographers and Videographers: Prices are $100 per each roll of film and $250 for every 30 minutes of video footage; may bring outside vendors for a $150 fee plus a $25 guest fee for each.

• Music Options: Choices range from $100 (calypso trio) to $3,000 (reggae band) hourly; may bring outside musicians for a $150 outside vendor fee and a $25 guest fee for each.

• Food and Drinks: Plated dinner or buffet options range from $55 to $65 per person; kids' menus and vegan, kosher, and glutenfree options available upon request; open bar ranges from $26 to $67 per person depending on the type of liquor and number of hours; $175 to staff a cash bar.

• Cakes: Two-tiered cake included in package (serves 30), each additional tier will feed another 25 people, and will cost $125

• Spa Treatments: The spa is located directly off the road and offers only facials, massages, and mani/pedis; no bridal suite available.

• Honeymoon Suite: Features 17-foot cathedral ceilings and a full view of the sea

• Freebies: If your wedding party books over 10 rooms, you'll receive a free room upgrade.

• Airport Transportation: 10-minute ride from the airport; transfers can be arranged for both hotel guests and non-guests, for a fee