Grand Lido Braco — Hotel Review Rating: 3.5 Pearls

Oyster Review Summary

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Oyster Hotel Review

Reporter: William B.
Updated: August 24, 2009

 Scene

No kids under 16 are allowed at this resort, and with good reason. Like at its Negril sister, half of the Grand Lido Braco is an "au naturel" (aka nudist) resort while the other side is referred to by the staff, without judgment, as the "prude" side. It rhymes! While the nudists don't parade around the prude side, the hotel is definitely racier than any other resort in Jamaica, save its partnered swingers hotel, the Hedonism III resort next door.

 Service

I understand service in the Caribbean can be slow at times--it's part of that charming "island style" one learns to embrace while on vacation--but waiting two hours for toast and tea from room service and one hour for towels is where I draw the line. OK, so it was raining and some of the pathways had 3 inches of water, but two hours for toast?!

 Location

The resort is located 45 minutes from Montego Bay airport, in a small town with no major attractions. Airport transportation is provided by the hotel for free.

This is the conversation I had with Nelson, my cab driver, when I asked to be driven to the Grand Lido Braco from Ocho Rios.

Nelson: Braco?

Me: Yes, the Grand Lido.

Nelson: Ohhhh! Braco! That's in Trelawny!

Me: Is that very far?

Nelson (laughing): It's about an hour away. There's nothing over there. ... Just trees.

'Nuff said--it's smack in between Montego Bay and Ocho Rios.

 Rooms

Arriving at night during a storm had me feeling like I was in a haunted Victorian dollhouse.

Rooms are large, but bigger is not better in this case. My Garden View room was big and drab -- dull gray ceramic tiles, blah-colored fabrics, a 27-inch tube television with poor reception. The room may have been called a Royal Garden View, but it didn't feel regal at all. The glass-enclosed shower stall with its multiple-jet shower is superb, and it does give the room a little more of a luxurious feel, but the bathroom's plastic shower seat, moldy grout, and cluttered feel all detract from the experience.

 Features

The air-conditioned game room with slot machines, two pool tables, and Ping-Pong was a great feature on rainy days. Even better is the on-site hair and nail salon--one free manicure with each stay. The free-form pool with swim-up bar, volleyball net, and basketball hoop has a live DJ and enough shouting from other guests to keep things lively (but not relaxing). The nine-hole executive golf course is well-maintained, but it's hardly the place for serious golfers.

 Family

With a nude beach, a constant emphasis on love-making, and easy access to the swingers over at Hedonism, there is very little about Grand Lido that wouldn't alternately mortify either teenagers or their parents. Yes, some rooms have two double beds (unlike Grand Lido Negril), and yes, the resort offers everything from snorkeling to golf to free manicures, but this just isn't the place for a family vacation. Pretty much anywhere in Jamaica would be better.

 Cleanliness

Dampness is unavoidable on an island with lush vegetation. Towels stained with (I hope) rust, however, are avoidable. I was completely taken aback by the condition of the restroom in the "town center"--broken paper towel dispensers, toilet paper on the floor, cracked faucets. It was no better than some bus station bathrooms.

 Food

The Braco has five restaurants, but the only one that I thought had solid, tasty food was the Reggae Café (formerly known as Nanny's Jerk Pit). The jerk chicken and pork were flavorful and tender, with just enough kick. Plus, the outdoor patio near the pool was an enjoyable setting to get your fingers jerky. The chicken stew served with white rice was rich and flavorful. I would opt for fries instead of rice and peas (rice and kidney beans), which tasted like paste.

Munasan, the hotel's hibachi restaurant, is only open when enough guests make reservations for it--generally during high season.

Piacere is the hotel's upscale restaurant. Despite its Italian name, it serves French nouvelle cuisine. Make reservations early--it tends to fill up. Also, there is a strict dress code: jackets and dress shoes for men, while women dress accordingly. Pretty ironic for a hotel that caters to nudists.

The small personalized pizzas at La Pasta won't satisfy a large appetite, but order as many as you like--it's an all-inclusive! As for the main dining area, the Victoria Buffet, I only have two words for you: suckling pig.

 Bottom Line

An adults-only resort allowing guests 16 and up, the Grand Lido is half "au naturel" (nude), half traditional (or, according to the staff, "prude"). Features are good--private beach, spa, name-brand liquor, 5 restaurants, even a 9-hole golf course--but the overpriced rooms are old and dingy, unlike at the Grand Lido Negril.