Sandals Grande Ocho Rios Beach & Villa Resort Rating: 3.0 Pearls

Ocho Rios, Jamaica

Beachside shenanigans

Michael Scott, from NBC's The Office, perhaps best summarizes the resort: "It was sooo good! Awwwwwh! Hey mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says 'Hey Mon!' everyone says 'Hey Mon!' back." Though his Sandals gush could easily pertain to any of the eight Sandals resorts in Jamaica -- the Ocho Rios Grande is often considered the worst -- the sentiment mirrors the response of virtually every guest I spoke with. Functioning like an adult summer camp, the same guests come year after year -- most under the Sandals "Soon Come Back" discount program -- and swap resorts each year if merely for variety. For returning guests, it feels like they're being "welcomed home." But for the outsider, the resort is a bit jarring: Check-in happens in a group setting; hotel policies -- like the restaurant reservation system -- are never really explained; getting around the massive property requires a map, a compass, and a lucky rabbit's foot.

Exclusive to couples (couples here are defined as a man and woman), the resort is namely geared toward married couples and honeymooners (the reservations paperwork presupposes "Mrs."). It strives for the kind of romance that comes with tequila shots and staged game shows. It's fun. On the two-hour free Sandals shuttle from Montego Bay International Airport, our bus stopped at a roadway station and 90 percent of the passengers were holding cocktails by the end of the 10-minute rest stop (at 10 a.m.). By the pool, couples pair for organized scavenger hunts, the entertainment staffers (the "Playmakers") even scold inebriated guests for running on the pool deck via microphone. While their Web site sparkles with photos of private hammocks and candlelit dinners (which they do have), you're also likely to hear over breakfast: "Hey freaks! What happened to you last night? I fell asleep in the bathroom again!"

Guests can have dinner served on the beach

Despite claims to the contrary by other reviewers, I found the staff to be much less attentive and friendly than at most Jamaican resorts. Due to the economy, the resort had to issue the temporary layoff of nearly half of its 1,000-person staff. Management promised that this is temporary, but there's no specified time to hire everyone back to the resort. Restaurant servers were often curt (Me: What's the chef's special? Server: Shrimp. Drinks?). My girlfriend and I waited longer for a drink here than anywhere else (still, that's only about two-five minutes). But to criticize the service anywhere in Jamaica -- a famously friendly country with doting service anywhere and everywhere -- is next to impossible.

Check-in is a bit confusing. Guests are brought en-masse from the airport, and they're greeted with cold, lemon Lysol towels. They must then check to ensure their luggage is off the bus, after which they're ushered into the lobby, given check-in paperwork, and a five-minute welcome speech from someone who then moves everyone to the buffet. We felt a bit like herded cattle. At the end, we had no idea we were even checked in.

There's no drinks service on the beach, or at the pool. There's no room service. And while there are no reservations required for any of the eight restaurants, guests all have to queue up by 6:30 p.m. in hopes of snagging a table within the next two hours. All told, while Sandals promises "Luxury Included," this doesn't exactly feel like a luxury resort.

View on a Larger Map

Located 10 minutes from the central port in Ocho Rios, where local restaurants like Mom's are only five minutes away. Dolphin Cove and Mystic Mountain, which has its own bobsled turned roller-coaster, and Dunn's River Falls are only a short drive away. But in the immediate vicinity of the hotel, there's nothing to do.

Conch shells by the beach

Like anywhere in Ocho Rios, the water is especially clear -- better than Montego Bay, slightly less clear than in Negril -- with gentle waves. But the Sandals swimming area is fairly limited, and beyond the docks, there are coarse rock shards and droves of parasailing and Jet Ski salesmen.

Lounge chairs are wedged shoulder-to-shoulder, so if you don't like what you're reading, just read your neighbor's paperback.

Water sports, boats, and an elaborate scuba center -- with its own training pool and extended dives -- make the Sandals a bit sportier than its upscale neighbor, the Royal Plantation. Roxanne from San Diego said she had the best time diving, and found the services more attentive and safety-conscious here than anywhere else in the Caribbean (she has also been to Bermuda and the Bahamas).

The Great House Ocean View Room

The resort is basically two (arguably three) complete resorts. The Manor House has the cheapest rooms and the main pool, and is about a five-minute shuttle ride from the beach and the good restaurants. Behind the Manor House are private village and honeymoon villas, each of which have a slightly shared or entirely private pool -- this is the only Sandals resort in Jamaica with these villas. The Caribbean Riviera resort is the best bet for the price -- it comes with its own a re-done lobby, closer beach access, better restaurants, a better spa and fitness center, tennis courts, and a more lush setting. Which side is more beautiful -- the Manor or the Riviera -- is open for debate. The Manor is a bit more manicured with cut lawns, and mountainside views over the sea; the Riviera is a bit tighter-knit with small garden paths and some pretty murky fish ponds. There's even a "bird sanctuary" (their term, not mine), which keeps some parakeets and a parrot in lockdown behind chicken wire.

Most rooms on both sides, however, are basically the same -- there's a giant, floral-print king-size bed in the center and little else. Nothing's very luxe about the rooms: cheesy patterns, a tub not worth bathing in, and some acceptable dings and scratches in the furniture.

Beds are on the firm side, designed to withstand the rigors of a couples-only resort. The low-count sheets, poly-blend standard comforter, and some thin cotton pillows (only four to a king) are about on-par with most mega-resorts, but pale in comparison to the Royal Plantation next door.

Bathrooms are basic -- just a standard shower-tub combo and a generous tote of Redlane Spa bath products.

There are no bathrobes and no booze in the mini-fridge, just water and soda -- only concierge level rooms have in-room alcohol. There is a standard-screen 27-inch TV with plenty of channels, but no movies, and it went dead at midnight for some reason. All told, the rooms are below those at most, even cheaper all-inclusives, like Couples Swept Away.

Great House Oceanfront Rooms face the pool, with the ocean beyond the horizon. Still, this is a significant improvement from the "Mountain View" or rather, parking lot view rooms on the opposite side of the hallway. The noise from the pool scene shook the windows all day (beginning at about 10:30 a.m.), and at night I heard the muffed chorus of the piano bar downstairs, with the pianist singing renditions of Buffalo Soldier like a Jamaican Burt Bacharach.

The resort boat

Aside from the massive pool, the resort has two gyms -- one on the Manor side and one on the Rivera side of the resort. The rooms and the equipment are a bit worn -- like stop buttons on the treadmills affixed with Scotch tape -- but the equipment is still functional and from quality brands, Cybex and Life Fitness. There's also a movement studio (but no regular yoga classes), squash courts, and tennis courts (only usable on the Riviera side). The Manor side doesn't have a weight room, just cardio machines.

The Redlane Spa is a popular outpost, and those guests who've never received massages before highly recommend the couples treatments, but this often overcrowded and underserved outpost doesn't compare to others within the Sandals chain. My girlfriend "tested" the pedicure treatment. For something that ended up costing over $55, they stuck her in a dank basement, left her feet soaking in a lukewarm 10-gallon bucket, didn't offer any sort of foot massage, and topped off the endeavor with a mandatory "Redlane" swoosh on her big toe.

The Main Pool

At the massive Great House Main Pool, jams (beginning at 10:30 a.m.) range from down-tempo reggae to repeat versions of Bob Marley's "Legend" to the occasional slathering of '80s Madonna (think cone boobs) to Chumbawumba to Ace of Base -- maintaining a regiment of American wedding DJ hits that normally clear a dance floor. And the minute the bar opens at 10 a.m., folks start splashing over to the swim-up bar between the spitting dolphin fountains. (By evening, someone is likely to stand behind said fountains and pretend that they're peeing. Classic.) At the center of the pool, there's a permanently positioned volleyball net and basketball hoop, and the activities staff leads games -- men vs. women -- at various intervals (giving due favoritism to the ladies team).

Beside the pool, cabanas abound, but they need to be booked in advance, for an extra fee, and don't really offer anything too special. Guests can get a massage here, but it's not very popular -- what with all the thumping music.

The Sandals Web site boasts: "Seven main pools and 22 whirlpools." Basically there are two main pools on the Manor side, another two large pools on the Rivera side, two smaller pools on the Rivera side, and a separate scuba-training pool. Each of these pools has a whirlpool somewhere near it, but I'm not sure where they get the 22 figure from.

In addition, private pools are available in the villa suites.

Once the Upton Golf Club -- opened in 1951 as a nine-hole number designed by PK Saunders -- the Sandals Country Club (not an actual country club) quickly grew to a championship-grade course.

It's free, or so they say, but you'll still have to drop at least $57 for a round. Should you leave the clubs at home, anything you need is available to rent: Nike clubs ($45), Nike shoes ($16, including free socks). But once you throw in the required caddies -- $17 a bag, plus required tips -- and the golf card ($40/18 holes), the "free" round of golf could develop into a $200 per couple excursion.

Being fairly short -- 6,311 yards with a par 71 and 128 slope from the blue tees -- it's great for a less golf-centric couple. I spoke to Bob and Bernadette Parkinsin from Cornwall, England, who appreciated the fact that the on-staff caddies acted effectively like personal instructors, capably helping Bernadette's stroke as the game went on (PGA pros also lead a golf academy on the course at select times of the year). But the course is far from basic. Experienced players like Keith Posser from Soux Lookout Ontario -- who has played champion courses all over the world -- didn't get bored. Given that the greens don't come with a hefty fee (as they do at White Witch, the premier Caribbean course about an hour away) some folks come out and golf every day of the week.

Half the point of a Sandals vacation is to get away from the kids, so this certainly isn't a family destination.

That said, Sandals devotees looking for similar accommodations, food, and service would probably enjoy one of Sandals' sister properties from the Beaches chain, including nearby Beaches Boscobel, or, further afield, Beaches Sandy Bay and Beaches Negril. These resorts are ultra-family friendly (you'll be dreaming of Elmo for weeks afterward), and allow guests to use and earn points from Sandals' loyalty program.

Though the property and rooms are showing some signs of wear -- like taped stop buttons on the cardio machines in the fitness center and some debris in a few of the pools -- and the housekeeping staff is spread pretty thin after the 50-percent layoff, the hotel is still fairly well kept and clean.

Dessert from Valentinos Restaurant

Bested by far cheaper mega-resorts like the Iberostar or Sunset Beach in Montego Bay, the food is especially disappointing for the price of the resort. Buffets are about on-par with most mega-resorts in Jamaica, which is to say that the food is good, not great. But unlike most other resorts, the reservation-free a la carte dinner restaurants don't offer a significant improvement on the buffet grub -- it's all just slightly warmer, and a bit more stylishly presented. In the case of one à la carte, Bayside, it became clear that they just serve the leftover items from the other restaurants (as evidenced by the absence of chocolate on the dessert menu). For one example, take the tough, far overcooked snapper I had at the Valentino Italian restaurant--a dish uniformly decent at any resort. Supposedly, this is one of the most highly praised restaurants on the property, but across the board, the food is overcooked, uniformly bland, stale, or obviously pre-packaged. Arizona, a beachside Tex-Mex steakhouse supposedly serves better fare, but it's important to keep very low expectations.

Fortunately, late-night dining is easy to come by at the snack-type poolside restaurant. Though the jerk chicken was nothing special -- unlike next door at the Royal Plantation -- the simple fries with Cajun seasoning are a godsend after a night at the disco.

The Beach Club Bar

Packed with twelve bars, including several swim-up bars and a late night dance club, good drinking is top priority at Sandals. Brands are recognizable, like Smirnoff, Tanqueray, and Jim Beam, and all are included at no extra cost. Cocktails, however, are of the excessively fruity sort, the wine is pretty paltry, and there are no specialized mixtures like mojitos with fresh mint available. For the price, the Iberostar offers much, much more.

Weddings here are very cookie cutter -- you have six stock options, all styled by Martha Stewart, and it's hard to add a personal touch -- but at least it makes planning the Big Day easy. However, given the hotel's couples-only policy, any families, non-coupled guests, or same-sex couples will have stay at the hotel's ultra-family-oriented sister, Beaches Boscobel. If your wedding guests stay anywhere else, there's an extra $150 fee for each guest visiting the Sandals property.

• Wedding Size: Up to 200 people; children need to be approved by the hotel in advance

• Extra Fees: $200 mandatory government and administrative fee; $150 fee for any non-hotel guests

• Wedding Packages: If you book for at least six nights, the basic wedding package is free, and includes a bridal bouquet and grooms boutonniere, prerecorded musical accompaniment, a marriage officer, a two-tiered wedding cake, a personal wedding consultant, a honeymoon breakfast and dinner for the bride and groom, one 5-by-7 wedding photograph, and a certified marriage certificate; alternative packages range from $1,500 to $6,000.

• Ceremony Location: Weddings can be held on the beach, on the lawn, in the garden, or under a gazebo; some locations are more private (garden) than others (beach).

• Photographers and Videographers: Photo and video packages range from $850 to $2,400, or you can choose a la carte photos from $355 for 18 5-by-7 shots; no outside photographers or videographers allowed.

• Music Options: A steel drum band, violinist, or DJ costs between $150 and $600; no outside musicians allowed.

• Food and Drinks: Quick, 30-minute sparkling wine and cold hors d'oeuvres receptions cost $15 per person. Multiple upgrades are available, and at the higest end ($75 per person), you get a three-hour reception with an open bar, hot and cold hors d'oeuvres, champagne, a plated dinner, and a wedding cake.

• Spa Treatments: Bridal spa treatments ($270) include hair styling, makeup, and mani/pedis; no bridal suites provided.

• Freebies: If the wedding party books more than 10 rooms, the bride and groom get rewarded with a free rehearsal dinner, massages, and mani/pedis.

• Airport Transportation: Hotel guests can use the free shuttle to and from Montego Bay International Airport.