Varandas de Albufeira

Other than a tall, mirrored window topped with colorful signage, very little distinguishes the weathered white facade of the Varandas de Albufeira. That utterly unremarkable welcome is a sign of things to come, and there's nothing about this hotel that lives up to its own upscale claims. Interiors are tired and abused, done up in a mixture of plain and garish decor that's more reminiscent of a hostel than a hotel -- expect mismatched cheap seating, outdated light fixtures, and details like string curtains that would be more at home in a dorm room. This hotel is meant for partiers, which in part explains an almost blind attention to details. For instance, a pool stretches almost the width of the property, but there are cracked and dirty tiles, and the atmosphere is hardly ever quiet. In fact, the atmosphere is downright boozy. Despite a deposit taken upon check-in and fines for late-night noise, disturbances can also extend into the sleeping hours. Couples and groups of friends make up the majority of guests here, despite a few kid-friendly features, but most travelers wanting to kick back and relax may want to give this place a pass.

The hotel is located at the end of a no-through road, in a not-overly attractive neighborhood in the Algarve resort town of Albufeira. While there are shops, bars, and restaurants within a short stroll, most guests head to the nightlife hub of the famous "strip," which is about five minutes away by cab (or 15 minutes walking). The more sedate and picturesque Old Town is five to 10 minutes' drive, and the long stretch of sandy beach of Praia do Inatel is about 15 to 20 minutes' walk away. Faro's airport will take 30 to 40 minutes to reach by car.

The hotel has 72 studio and one-bedroom apartments, all of which are simply styled with tiled floors, distressed-effect wooden furniture, and plain fabrics. Wall art depicting local seaside scenery lends a bit of color, but the look throughout is entirely dated, despite cheerful blue tiling and a generally nice amount of natural light brightening things up. Most of the units are worn -- we saw stained countertops and beat-up couches in the units that we visited -- and cleanliness can be an issue. Kitchenettes are basic, with mini-fridges, electric ranges and kettles, and microwaves. Some of the cookware shows signs of rust and needs replacing. Other amenities include flat-screen TVs, safes, and air-conditioning, plus all apartments feature balconies or terraces with plastic seating (those on top-floors feature distant sea views). Functional bathrooms are tired and some feel dingy, with shower/tub combos, bidets, wall-mounted hairdryers, and basic toiletries. There were chips in the tubs and stained and dirty grout in the bathrooms that we saw. In-room Wi-Fi is not available, though those close to reception can pick up a signal. As might be expected of a resort packed with bachelor and bachelorette parties, noise is frequently an issue, and rooms are no exception.

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are served buffet-style in the hotel's only restaurant, which is located in the basement -- all are covered by the hotel's an all-inclusive option. Overall, food receives poor reviews from previous guests. A bright, modern bar extends to a poolside terrace and serves all-inclusive drinks one at a time, and so is prone to queuing. There's no entertainment at this property, and yet it manages to stay loud day and night. The outdoor swimming pool is large enough for laps, and includes a small separate splash pool for kids. Sun loungers are available, though not enough when the resort is busy, and like much of the rest of the resort they could use an update. There hotel also has a game room with a pool table, and a library lounge with a collection of books. A small playroom hosts the kids' club (available for a fee), but the room feels a little bare and poorly kept. Free Wi-Fi is only available in the lobby and game room.